My unending denials and your Grace!!!

 

I have been blessed in more ways than I can count, in more areas than I deserve, in more methods I can imagine.

I have a differently wired brain, which can believe all nonsense the fantasy drama world spews, but cannot still accept the grace and miracles I have witnessed. This is in no way to prove just how lucky I am. But I believe we all tend to witness his grace in our life, but we all ignore it in the hustle we called the struggles of life.

I denied his grace first when I was safe in travelling alone late at night. I denied his grace when I took help from strangers and was unharmed. I denied his grace when I got help out of nowhere. I denied it again when I woke up everyday with something to look forward to.

His first manifestation in my life was in the form of stars and the unending sky. To this day they give me comfort for some unknown reasons which I would love to believe as on his behest. Then his manifestation in the people I met and emotions I felt. Then the final form was my journey to know him, this is when I started to take notice of his presence around me. They say only an enlightened soul can enlighten you, I would add one more condition - only when he wants.

But then I have my denials amidst the belief, I have my doubts that push me away from the path I believe might lead to him. My first denial is if we all have come from him and have to eventually go back, why this journey. Why was it needed. Why do we have this world. What purpose does it serve. When we were a part of him, why did he separate us from him. And then put us on the road back home, don't say to gather knowledge as he is the most knowledgeable. When everything starts and ends with him. Do we really need any other school or teacher.

Second, the Suffering in life, why do we suffer. If we all have it in us to know why, why don't we. Wouldn't  a world with no suffering a happier place. Why do we only suffer and learn. Why were we not born with an enlightened soul and not suffer.

Third, why is there evil, why do we have darkness. They say he is everywhere, then how can there be dark places, dark hearts. Why can his light not reach there.

I have read a few pages here and there, searched little here and there. But no answers have been able to convince my Whys.

Still, I am not a non-believer. I am one amongst the many who believe, but lack conviction. May be my soul still longs for a bigger and mind shattering miracle or maybe I have not suffered enough. I don't know the why of why I am still on the fence. I don't know why I am still not able to take the leap of faith I so need to. My denials seem to have more power than my faith. 

But then there are days when I feel closer to him, more in his light. When suddenly my brain starts to make sense despite of the doubts. These are days when I wake up without any guilt and get to sleep without regrets or may be it is a result of feeling closer. I do not know the causality. I am still progressing on some path which I still want to believe would eventually lead me to him and all my doubts will be answered or will fade away in the knowing. I do believe someday!